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Lisa Hall-Wilson

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4 Ways Writers Cheat Reality With Internal Dialogue To Write Better Fiction

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Emotion In Internal Dialogue

Internal dialogue is the power horse of deep point of view. Because this style of writing is personal and intimate, the things we tell ourselves, our internal observations, opinions and biases makes up a significant part of the conflict in the story. Internal dialogue is often the vehicle through which setting, subtext, and often the emotional punch are delivered. There are a lot of things we think privately we’d never want to be known more widely, yet that’s where the reader lives for the duration of the story in deep point of view.

Deep point of view strives to bring as much realism as possible into our storytelling. We need to understand how our brains work in real life and where we sometimes have to cheat reality just a little to make a better reading experience. This is a great companion post to my free 5-day e course on Writing Emotions in Layers.

Compress

In real life, someone in emotional distress will chant, they might ramble on and repeat the same thing for ten minutes or more. You have to compress that in fiction. No one wants to read eight pages of a character chanting or repeating (internally or verbally) the same phrase out of shock. You have to compress what might be a realistic reaction. Give the impression a character is repeating herself without writing it out or just say it once or twice and move on. You can give the reader the idea they’ve been stuck like this, chanting, rocking – whatever, without bogging down the story pace.

Scale-able

Remember to keep the emotions scale-able. Whatever the inciting incident is, whatever sets your main character into conflict, this absolutely needs to be intense, but the general rule is it can’t eclipse the final conflict in emotional toll or impact. Make sure whatever emotion you start off with is scale-able. Now, if you’re writing for a Happy Ever After (HEA) ending, you’ll want to tie things up in a neat bow and leave everyone happy. If you’re looking for a more realistic ending, you’ll need to make sure your character loses something important at the end of the story.

Psychology

There are a lot of really great psychology books out there that will help your writing in BIG ways. One that’s a personal favorite is Brené Brown’s Rising Strong. Don’t shortchange your readers on the emotional journey however painful. Writers like Nicholas Sparks, George R. R. Martin, and Jodi Picoult are experts at torturing readers alongside their characters. Depending on your own preferences or those of your readers, you can choose how gritty this emotional journey will be, but it must have an emotional punch.

Where books like this are helpful to writers is breaking down the mental process of finding the root of problems. Go through this process of self-discovery personally as well as with your characters. Identify the problematic behavior and work backwards until you’ve landed on the unique mixture of coping and defense mechanisms behind the behavior. Those defense mechanism hide or compensate for an emotional hurt/wound. Determine what caused the hurt/wound. What blend of characteristics makes your character weak or vulnerable to this hurt? How does this wound continue to cause them pain?

And this is where you’ll have to break from reality. You’ll have to create perfect storm-like scenarios where your character’s original hurt/wound is exposed. This can feel artificial but your story has to fit inside your genre’s word count expectations. (Here’s a great post from Anne R. Allen on genre word count expectations.) Often, in real life, this process takes place over years, has a lot of false starts, missteps, and backtracking. In fiction, you are restricted to the narrow timeline of your story.

Time

The rule in deep point of view is to avoid naming emotions. There are exceptions to this depending on how much time has passed since the traumatic event. Emotions are processed by both the left and right parts of our brains. We FEEL with one half, and analyze and label with the other half of our brain and that transition takes time. Ever had that sense where you’re overwhelmed (shock, surprise, etc) and you aren’t able to articulate or express what or how you feel until hours later or the next day? This is why.

Some people get stuck at this stage and never learn enough self-awareness to label or work through how they feel. Instead, they self-medicate with alcohol, anger, perfectionism, drugs, workaholism, etc. They focus on not feeling anything. Typically though, the more time we’ve had to process an event the better able we are to think through how we feel. Some people need to talk this out, others will journal, others will need time alone just to think. How the emotions are processed is very individual, but the passage of time affects how we talk and think about emotional trauma.

It’s important to understand primary and secondary emotions and how they should affect our storytelling.

The more time that passes between a traumatic emotional event and the memory of it, the more realistic it is to label the emotions that were felt. I’ve written before about writing a traumatic backstory for your characters. But, remember that the power of Deep POV is immediacy, so this should be the exception to how emotions are expressed not the norm.

Resist the temptation to use a heavy hand and bluntly label an emotion just because it’s a historical event. How ready are you to talk about the death of someone you loved very deeply? Even years later, you’ll likely be willing to talk about the person but not go into detail about the death itself especially if it was traumatic for you in some way.

When my father and grandfather get together, they’ll reminisce about the years when my dad was young and the various escapades and adventures that took place. However, there was a messy divorce and separation when my dad was a teen, so these trips down memory lane rarely include any mention of the teen years or my grandmother. It’s acknowledged she was around but little more.

We have a way of talking around the things that are still a bit raw, but with internal dialogue in ficiton we can bypass this tendency. Your character may be able to fool everyone around them that this past event doesn’t affect them anymore, but the reader needs to know how much it still hurts.

Want to learn more about deep point of view? Heard about it and don’t know what it’s really about? Been told readers struggle to connect with your characters emotionally? Know about deep point of view, but stumped trying to find intermediate-level resources? Registration is now open for Method Acting For Writers: Learn To Write In Deep Point Of View. Class begins May 7 and the cost is $165CDN (approx $130USD).

5 Deep Point of View Errors Every Writer Makes

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Shifting Your Story Into Deep Point Of View Often Isn’t Intuitive!

Deep point of view is a stylistic choice writers can use throughout an entire novel or to add emotional punch to important scenes, but it isn’t an intuitive technique for many. It’s not difficult, don’t misunderstand me, but this technique requires a shift in how you capture the story for your readers.

With this technique, readers aren’t looking for an objective reporting of what’s going on, they want to be IN THE ACTION. Of course there are times where you use telling or utilize a shallow point of view for effect, but if your whole novel is in deep point of view readers want to see inside the mind of the point of view character.

Think of the reader like a judge. You, the writer, are the lawyer presenting evidence to the judge about how your character feels. All you have in the way of evidence is what the character is thinking, doing, and saying, along with physiology and body language. The reader decides what the character is feeling.

When I am beta-reading or giving feedback in my course Method Acting For Writers: Learn To Write In Deep Point Of View, there are a few questions I end up asking over and over. These are questions that every writer working to deepen the emotional intensity of their writing should ask of each scene. Making these errors isn’t a sign of bad writing at all. Writing in deep point of view is a mental shift, you’re not telling the story–your character is.

You’re telling – show me how he/she feels about this.

Emotions are such an integral part of writing in deep point of view, but you must show them. Don’t tell me the character is sad, anxious, happy, worrying, etc. Don’t think you can slip in an anxious wave or a nervous laugh either. There’s no, he threw her a condescending look. In more distant points of view, these are all acceptable, but not in deep pov. Show me, give me the evidence that proves how your character is feeling.

Frustrated, Ryan threw the game controller across the room.

becomes…

“This game is stupid.” Ryan chucked the game controller and dented the wall.

I could have said Ryan tossed the controller, or threw it on the table or on the floor. I wanted more escalation than that, something that felt over-the-top, disproportionate, to show frustration. Do you see the difference?

You’re Showing AND Telling. Trust Your Readers.

This happens when writers understand showing and telling but don’t trust their readers. It looks something like:

Shane stuffed his hands deep in his pockets and kicked a can down the street. Depressed, he trudged home. “Stupid party. Stupid people. I didn’t want to go anyway.”

The bolded portion is the telling. I could lose that and make this more interesting for readers. There’s good showing here, but I didn’t trust the reader to figure it out. This is also an example of author intrusion in deep point of view. The character wouldn’t think this likely, it’s the author inserting themselves into the story to give the reader information.

What Else Is Going On? What Other Sensory Details Can You Add?

There’s a tendency to focus on just sight. Sight is closely linked to decision-making so it’s going to be the predominant sense much of the time. However, our senses are a backdoor into our character’s emotions. Smell and taste are both closely linked with memory. Don’t dump backstory on me, take me back through the memory evoked by the senses. Make me care about that memory, good or bad, too. Sound/hearing is closely linked to emotions. This is why soundtracks are so vital in movies. Two notes, the Jaws theme, evokes a feeling in you, right? Use sound to ratchet up the emotional tension.

And don’t include every sense in every scene. Overwhelming your reader with details will send them packing.

Why Is He/She Behaving Like This? What Is She/He Thinking?

This comment often stems from a character’s actions not being fully fleshed out in the narrative. The point of view character turns around and punches another character in the face. The writer has to tip off the reader about why this has happened. In deep pov, the point of view character doesn’t get to keep secrets from the reader. The reader is in on ALL of it. Thought then action, action then reaction. What thought triggered that action? It doesn’t have to be a long, articulated thought, but some thought triggered that action.

There was a knock at the door, that two-knuckled double-time rap. James leapt from the couch and escaped through the window to the fire escape.

becomes…

There was a knock at the door, that two-knuckled double-time rap. Landlord. James glanced at the calendar on the fridge. First of the month. Already? He leapt from the couch and escaped through the window to the fire escape.  

The first example is just reporting. It’s a director with a camera capturing the action. You’re not writing for a newspaper, you’re writing a novel. In deep pov, we want to put readers inside the head of your point of view characters. This means you have to show why the character is making the decisions they do.

How Does He/She Feel About This?

This is kind of the reverse of the above question. Emotion draws us into story. That’s how we care. We can sympathize and identify with the emotional struggles of the characters we love. But if the writer doesn’t let us in on the character’s emotional journey, the reader is left out in the cold. Also, instead of adding in body language or internal dialogue to show readers how a character feels, show how a character feels about the setting. Katniss in The Hunger Games describes her sister’s cat as being the color of rotting squash. How do you think she feels about that cat? What’s her outlook on life that day?

“Hey, you busy after work?” Sally picked up her jacket and patted her pockets to check for her car keys.

“Yeah. Promised the wife I’d help paint the living room.” Jake snatched up his keys and wallet. 

He was married? “Yeah, OK–sure. Some other time?” She gave a wave and fled out the door to the parking lot.

becomes…

“Hey, you busy after work?” Heat flushed her cheeks. Sally reached to play with her hair and instead patted her chest pockets like she was checking for car keys. Who kept car keys in their breast pockets? 

“Yeah. Promised the wife I’d help paint the living room.” Jake snatched up his keys and wallet.

He’d been flirting with her for a month. Her throat constricted and she swallowed bile. What a creep. Sally had to clear her throat to speak. “Yeah, OK–sure. Some other time?” She fled out the door to the parking lot.

Hopefully, the second example put you in the story with Sally. You could sense maybe the courage she’d worked up to ask him out after work, second guessing herself–making herself vulnerable to rejection, and then her surprise at finding out he wasn’t who she’d thought he was.

Want to learn more about deep point of view? Heard about it and don’t know what it’s really about? Been told readers struggle to connect with your characters emotionally? Know about deep point of view, but stumped trying to find intermediate-level resources? Registration is now open for Method Acting For Writers: Learn To Write In Deep Point Of View. Class begins May 7 and the cost is $165CDN (approx $130USD).

 

Beyond Racing Hearts and Sweaty Palms: Writing the Body Language of Attraction

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With deep point of view, being able to show readers how and why your character is or isn’t attracted to another without naming an emotion or using on-the-nose dialogue can be a really important detail to get right.

There are at least four types of attraction (sexual attraction being just one option) and showing your character experiencing a wider range of traits they’re attracted to helps readers care more.

Remember, when writing in deep point of view, the writer’s job is to present evidence to the reader of how the character feels. It’s the reader’s job to determine what emotion the evidence points to.

To Be Ambiguous Or Clear With Body Language Signals…

Body language signals must be interpreted and that can lead to miscommunication, hurt feelings, etc. A woman touching her hair could be affirming that she’s noticed a guy’s interest, but it can also indicate unease, trepidation, and even fear. A woman might cross her legs to make her legs appear slimmer or cross them because she’s guarded or on edge. Allow room for conflict here. Let people misread/miss body language. Allow a character to suppress the body language that would mirror how they feel.

Body Language Of Attraction

The typical physiological reactions to attraction include: racing heart, sweaty palms, dry mouth, dilated pupils, preening and attention to grooming (straightening a tie, touching hair, sucking in a gut), eye contact, smiling, uncrossed arms, sticking out of the chest, etc. Here’s a few more to consider.

Heart rate – There’s a bit more to this than ‘he’s hot.’ When our bodies are stimulated (could be from exercise, fear, surprise, etc) and our hearts are racing, attraction can be artificially stimulated. People seem more attractive when our hearts are racing.

Where do their feet point – A person’s feet will directly reflect their attitude. When feet are pointed at another person, this is a sign of interest/attraction. If feet are pointed away, they’re distracted or uninterested. Feet pointed toward the door when the rest of the body isn’t (someone twisting to speak over their shoulder, someone seated can point their feet toward the door) can be a signal of wishing to flee for instance.

Wrists and Necks – People who are nervous, unsettled or feel unsafe will unconsciously (often) protect these vulnerable areas. They’ll hunch their shoulders to protect the neck. They’ll walk with their inner wrists protected against their bodies or stuffed in a pocket. Conversely, exposing theses areas visually can signal attraction.

Head tilting and leaning in – Leaning in can signal interest and attraction. There’s leaning in and there’s you’re-in-my-space leaning in. It’s not really a fine line IMO. Head tilting shows interest and invites people in.

Chemistry Isn’t Really About Chemistry

Misreading or missing these body language cues of attraction can lead people to say ‘there’s just no chemistry between us.’ When trying to show a character’s perceived lack of chemistry, show the reader what’s missing. Were they expecting someone more open and got closed off body language (arms crossed, avoids meeting gaze, no racing heart, etc.)? Show that. Words affirming attraction fall flat without the accompanying body language to back it up. Do you see the many layers and opportunities for conflict and tension here?

What Influences Attraction And Why You Need To Know Your Character

Psychology tells us that there are at least four kinds of attraction. One kind in isolation from the others signals a doomed relationship typically. Additionally, two people may be attracted to each other for different reasons which will reflect their inner values and priorities.

Questions To Have Answers For:

  • What kind of relationship is your character seeking? (long-term, short-term, friendship, etc.)
  • What do they place value on? (security, safety, prestige, influence, sexual performance)
  • How do they perceive themselves? (attractive, dowdy, influential)
  • What hurts or prior experiences may cause them to suppress or deny their own instincts is showing or reading the body language of attraction? (sexual abuse in their past can skew interpretation of body language signals)

These are all important factors that influence attraction. Someone who places a lot of value on security will prioritize the attraction that seems to promise that, for instance financial independence, emotional stability, or physical health.

4 Kinds Of Attraction

Sexual Attraction – This is usually lust, let’s call it what it is. It’s based almost entirely on one’s assessment of physical beauty, personal wealth, influence, etc. Isolated from the types below, these attractions flare up in a hot blaze and then end with similar heat. However, many psychologists will also caution that relationships devoid of sexual attraction are a house of cards.

Confidence – Some are attracted to individuals who exude confidence. These people often know how to get noticed, they know how to smile, flirt, and measure eye contact. Sometimes, these individuals are very good at saying what the other person wants to hear to get a desired reaction or outcome.

Psychological Attraction –This type of attraction in isolation from the others often ends in the friend zone. A psychological attraction is often directed at those with a unique perspective or skill that separates them from the crowd. Psychological attraction is common in those seeking long-term relationships and emotional intimacy.

Physical Features – This isn’t about beauty so much as gauging health and strength–on traits a person can control. Some are attracted to those displaying good personal hygiene, who dress in clothes that flatter their figures, who work out or are athletic, etc. Physical grooming and personal fitness play large roles in this kind of attraction.

Why Is Understanding Body Language Of Attraction Important For Deep Point Of View?

Let’s create a scenario. A guy sees a pretty girl at the gym and convinces her to go on a date (remember, everyone is more attractive when our heart rate is up). Two dates in he realizes his attraction was purely sexual and is frustrated that she can’t engage with him intellectually or lacks the confidence he finds attractive.

However, in deep point of view the evidence you might present to the reader to show this would be having the pretty girl embarrass him in front of his boss with her inability to talk about city politics, or perhaps he gets frustrated with her constant checking in or insisting on knowing where he is all the time. What turns him on and off shows his priorities and values–it pulls double duty in deep point of view. Instead of writing about attraction, be intentional with the above info and instead show your character’s internal conflict in a way that’s relate-able and convincing.

Hope you found this helpful! Do you have a scene or a plot line that focuses on or includes attraction?

Want to learn more about deep point of view? Heard about it and don’t know what it’s really about? Been told readers struggle to connect with your characters emotionally? Know about deep point of view, but stumped trying to find intermediate-level resources? Registration is now open for Method Acting For Writers: Learn To Write In Deep Point Of View. Class begins May 7 and the cost is $165CDN (approx $130USD).

Create Layers of Tension With Subtext To Surprise Readers

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What Is Subtext And Why It’ll Make Your Writing Next Level

Subtext is the unspoken communication that takes place between characters in a story. It usually takes place when there’s disparity between what a character says, thinks, and feels. It’s also used effectively when the point of view character shares knowledge or an experience with another character, but no one else in the room or conversation is aware of it.

Non-verbal communication can include movements (ie. hand gestures), voice tone and volume, facial expressions (including micro expressions which flash across a face for the barest of moments usually to suppress emotion), and posture. These all combine to create what Psychology Today called “a silent orchestra” that makes up communication. Studying body language, and how non-verbal communication can influence perception and behaviour is vital to writing in Deep Point of View.

Subtext Requires Planning

In order to have a character’s thoughts/feelings/desires desire from his words or actions, requires planning on the part of the writer. Personally, I don’t even bother trying to incorporate subtext on a first draft because I don’t know my characters well enough yet. If you’re more of a planner, then you may approach it differently.

On-The-Nose Dialogue

On-the-nose dialogue happens with particularly straight-forward characters. The people who have no filter, nothing to lose, who actually say and do exactly what they believe/think they should. But, for the vast majority of real people and fictional characters, that’s simply not the case. To use on-the-nose dialogue for the latter group undermines possible sources of conflict for readers.

Remember, when writing in deep point of view the goal is for the writer to completely remove themselves and write as though they no live in that character’s skin. Deep point of view is method acting for writers!

Instead of using on-the-nose dialogue (having a character say precisely what they think without filter or internal conflict), consider the range of possible options available to your character. Whenever possible, replace the on-the-nose dialogue with actions. This is what they’re saying, but how is what they’re doing show inner conflict? What could they be thinking? What’s the greatest desire at this particular moment? This is how you can layer in tension through subtext.
With subtext in fiction, the tension lies between the saying, thinking, and doing!

What Is Your Character NOT Saying?

We all have reasons for hiding our feelings, our vulnerabilities, our fears. Our characters should be riddled with this sort of conflict. Show this through internal dialogue (what the character is thinking) or their actions.

Novelist Brandilyn Collins, author of Getting Into Character, shares a story she observed while driving one day (can’t remember if she shared this in a workshop or her book). While stopped at a red light, she observed two young women standing on the sidewalk–one is holding a baby on her hip. The second young woman is facing a young man. He’s facing a chain link fence off the sidewalk, pressed up against it as though he wished he could simply slide through the links. He won’t look at the young woman leaning toward him, pointing a finger, her face flushed.

Collins rolled down her window a crack to hear the conversation. It was clear the child was being held by a friend, and the mother was facing down the baby’s father. The mother was yelling. “How could you leave your son? You want him to grow up without a father? Like you did?” (I’m paraphrasing) The young man doesn’t answer.

Clearly there’s quite a few things going on in this scene, right. His body language seemed to say he was full of shame, but let’s brainstorm a few of the things he could possibly be thinking that could contradict his body language (actions):

  • Maybe he’s counting ducks in his head to prevent from turning and lashing out at her in anger
  • Maybe he’s reminding himself of all the very legitimate reasons he has to leave (he’s in trouble, he’s going to find work, he’s afraid the crowd he’s with will ultimately harm his child)
  • Maybe he’s reminding himself of all the other fights where the mother has lit into him like this and he’s just done
  • Maybe he’s reminding himself of all the times he’d hated his own father for leaving and now hates himself, but shame won’t let him acknowledge that so he’s justifying his leaving (he’s no good, not good enough, not his problem, etc)
  • Maybe he’s sure he’s not the baby’s father but hates the idea of leaving the child even though he’s not technically responsible for it
  • Maybe he just looks young for his age and he’s actually an undercover cop and acknowledging the child means he’ll lose his job and sacrifice the investigation.

Brainstorm a variety of things the character could be feeling that might conflict with their actions, or vice versa. With subtext, an internal conflict becomes external.

Subtext Through Description And Setting

This is one aspect of subtext that isn’t often talked about among writers, at least—the ones I hang out with. The objects a character surrounds themselves with can be a level of subtext. What does it say about a character who has a wall of photos, but the frames are all filled with the model photos used by the manufacturer? That communicates something, right. The businessman who owns a huge executive home, but has no furnishings. The drug dealer driving a $75,000 car. Do you see what I mean?

I think the original Shrek did a fabulous job of this. Audiences learned quite a lot about Lord Farquaad just from the things he surrounded himself with. lol

Other Subtext Resources

How Relationship Affects How We Write About Subtext

6 Ways Power Imbalances Affects Subtext In Fiction

Exercise

Here’s something fun to try (share your work below if you feel brave). Create a scene between two people angry with each other about something that is NOT happening, but don’t let them mention what it iw they expected/wanted to take place or happen.

Registration is now open for Method Acting For Writers: Learn To Write In Deep Point Of View.Early bird registration of just $130CDN (approx $100USD) is limited to 30 people and spots are filling fast. After April 15, the cost is $165CDN (approx $130USD).

5 Quick Hacks To Gear Up Your Setting and Description Into Deep Point Of View

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One aspect of writing in Deep Point Of View (POV) that’s often overlooked or downplayed is the importance of filtering setting and description through your point of view character (POVC). Remember, in Deep POV you want to avoid drawing conclusions for readers. Don’t tell readers what to think, give them your POVCs raw data and let readers come to their own verdict about how the POVC feels, what they’re observing, and the world they live in. This puts the reader IN the story and keeps them out of the theater seats.

To that end, filtering the story setting and description through your POVC is critical. Here are five tips to writing setting and description in Deep POV that will take your writing to the next level:

Observe Don’t Report

When you imagine your setting, avoid the temptation to have your POVC label what they see. It’s a rectangular room with a bay window and upscale furniture in artful arrangement. A Persian rug I’m afraid to walk on covers the floor. Sure, there’s no POV violation here, but the reader’s learned little about the setting or the POVCs feelings about it.

Instead, let your POVC share their impression of the room in a way that reveals character. I stepped where Caroline stepped and gathered close all the loose bits and flaps of my clothing. If ‘you break it you bought it’ applies here, I’ll be broke before we get to the dining room.

This is an excerpt of a guest post. Read the whole post here.

5 Pro Tips You Need To Write Deep Point of View Effectively

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Deep Point of View (POV) is like giving your reader a virtual reality headset. That’s how immersive, intense, and personal readers want to be with your story and point of view characters.

The problem with learning deep point of view is getting beyond the basics. Many blogs will tell you to eliminate distance, write with immediacy, ditch speech tags, and write tight. These basics will get you started, but it’s really hard finding help on the more advanced techniques and strategies required to really make deep point of view work for you and your story.

So let’s go Beyond Basics. Here are some Pro Tips you need to master to write Deep point of view well.

Subtext

Subtext is a topic I’ve written about here and here  and here. So what is it? K.M. Weiland calls learning subtext the “black belt” of writing fiction: “Subtext is about what isn’t said.”

Ever had a conversation where what you’re saying doesn’t match what’s being spoken about? Hubs didn’t call to tell you he would be late and miss dinner. He arrives home bearing a bouquet of flowers. What do you do? If all is forgiven, you might take a moment to smell his offering and lean in for a kiss. If you’re still mad but will get over it, you might accept the flowers but make sure your fingers don’t touch his in the gift exchange. If you’re still mad you might just talk over the television and tell him there’s a vase in the cupboard.

Subtext is gestures, glances, and body language and how that’s interpreted. It’s veiled conversations, innuendos, and shared experiences. This is a HUGE component of real life communication you need to incorporate into your fiction. But there’s art to it. The reader has to know what’s really being communicated.

Author Intrusion

Deep point of view is about eliminating distance between the reader and the point of view character (POVC) and the beginner guides will tell you to look for words like watched, thought, heard, felt, etc. Remove the dialogue tags and use beats instead. Write with immediacy instead of recalling the action. These are all great starting places and are necessary, but there are so many ways you (as the writer) insert yourself into the story and break the fictive dream for readers. Learning to recognize these and eliminate them takes practice and objectivity.

Here’s one my editor called me on.

“Can’t sleep.” Aralyn yawned. “I don’t like this place.”

The Black Forest was known for its gnarled trees, bogs, and unpredictable pits. “It’s not a nice place.” Edric couldn’t suppress the body shiver that rattled his spine.

“I can feel eyes on me. Like I’m being watched.”

“You are being watched.” Edric widened his eyes and leaned in closer.

The bit in italics is just flat out author intrusion. The POVC wouldn’t think this – who talks to themselves like that? I am inserting myself into the narrative to give the reader information which needs to be avoided in deep point of view. Here’s how I fixed it.

“Can’t sleep.” Aralyn yawned. “I don’t like this place.”

“What, you don’t like gnarled trees, stinking bogs, and unpredictable pits? What’s wrong with you?” Edric couldn’t suppress the body shiver that rattled his spine.

“I can feel eyes on me. Like I’m being watched.”

“You are being watched.” Edric widened his eyes and leaned in closer.

Character Voice

This is one of those subtle bits of art that writers do that make characters come alive. This is more than dialect, accents, or slang – though those are part of it. Everything the character knows, sees, thinks and feels is filtered and interpreted through their personal history, biases, social and economic status, etc. Telling or drawing conclusions for the reader about how a character is feeling, their morals, or hang ups shut down the virtual reality goggles and put the reader back on the sofa observing the story. Instead, you have to become the character and tell the story the way they would. The way actors get into character almost.

What a character notices (what they find ordinary, routine or out of place) gives the reader a lot of information. A city kid and a country kid walk down to the pond in the back field. The city kid is going to notice things the country kid who’s taken that walk a thousand times will take for granted. The country kid’s desires might come through in what he’s tired of looking at, scoffing at the city kid’s wonder.

Here’s a boring story:

Matt sits alone in a bar with a beer. He notices a girl he doesn’t recognize walk in and decides to ask her out.

This is not a very interesting story is it? There are distance words in there (notices, recognize, decides) which force the reader into the armchair to watch the story instead of putting them IN the story. There’s no tension is there? Despite this bit being in present tense, there’s no immediacy. We don’t know how Matt feels about the woman, what his impression is, this narrative simply reports what’s happening. That’s not deep point of view. Instead, let’s add some character voice here.

The jukebox went silent for a moment and a pair of feminine heels clacked on the linoleum behind him. The bar stool squeaked a protest at his swivel. She wore long dark hair braided over one shoulder and snug jeans hugged her hips. He let her see his gaze wander lower. With that buckle and those boots, she must be in town for the rodeo. And she walked in alone … He reached back for his beer and grabbed air. Heat flushed his cheeks.

The side of her mouth pulled to the side. She seemed to size him up, her gaze lingered on his face and then wandered down to his chest. She took the stool next to him and looked his way. He tipped his hat.

This is not a great example, but there’s lots of information to be gleaned from this about Matt. However, I haven’t TOLD you anything. I haven’t drawn any conclusions for readers. I haven’t inserted myself into the story at all.

Internal Dialogue

Mastering internal dialogue is KEY to writing deep point of view well. Incorporating physical obstacles and barriers for your POVC is vital for your story to work, but sometimes the biggest obstacles are internal and this is where deep point of view shines. A character at war with themselves, their values, their upbringing can be very compelling and that all comes through internal dialogue. Let your POVC act one way and think another. Let their thoughts betray their real motivations and fears to the reader. Subtext and character voice incorporated into internal dialogue will ratchet up the tension.

 

Strategy

There are many times where breaking the basic rules of deep point of view enhance the story, like telling, but you must be strategic and intentional about it. Telling used strategically can convey extreme tension or upheaval. Summarizing can prevent boring lulls or writing on the nose that slows or bogs down a good story.

 

Interested in going deeper with deep point of view? Consider my 4 week online intensive called Method Acting For Writers: Learning To Write In Deep Point of View. This class begins May 7, 2018. Registration opens in April. Get on the waiting list to be the first to hear about early bird discounts.

A BIG component of writing well in deep point of view is being able to layer emotions. Check out my FREE  5-day e-course on writing emotions in layers.

Want to learn more about deep point of view? Heard about it and don’t know what it’s really about? Been told readers struggle to connect with your characters emotionally? Know about deep point of view, but stumped trying to find intermediate-level resources? Registration is now open for Method Acting For Writers: Learn To Write In Deep Point Of View. Class begins May 7 and the cost is $165CDN (approx $130USD).