*Smacks head* Did I just say that out loud? Ever have one of those moments? My life is a long string of embarrassing accidents and things I wish I could unsay. I was so gullible as a teen – it’s embarrassing.
You know that scene from Dirty Dancing when Baby carries a watermelon to the forbidden staff party and dances with Johnny for the first time? Johnny says, “What’s she doing here?” She replies, “I carried a watermelon.” *smacks head* “I carried a watermelon?” Yeah, Baby and I have a lot in common.
If you’ve read Biking in Panties or Ceiling Mirrors and Faux Fur, then you know I’m no stranger to embarrassment. Life with me is anything but boring. I remember at the age of 11 repeating a dirty joke at the dinner table and being sent to my room – and not knowing why. I didn’t ‘get’ the joke, I really thought it was about swallows (the bird).
On top of ridiculous bad luck, and being a klutz, I was very sheltered and innocent which left me a little gullible and very naive. I’m not slow, I did well in school, but I was too trusting. As a teen, I was forever playing catch-up on innuendos, double ententes, and hidden meanings just plain escaped me. Since I’m able to look back on many of these and laugh I thought I’d share some of my more stellar moments.
Yes – I asked a teacher during class what foreplay was.
I know. Still shaking my head. I had a French teacher who would sit down with us every Monday and recap the weekend. Someone shared that they’d hooked up at a bonfire (the country-kid equivalent of a kegger) and used the word foreplay. Not having understood the underlying context of the conversation, I put up my hand and asked for an explanation of foreplay. She didn’t answer my question.
Yes – I didn’t realize saying you’re late could refer to more than your punctuality
I was dating an older guy at the time who was fairly popular. I was fourteen and eager to please. Our school didn’t play football, it was too expensive – instead, we played rugby. We hosted a team from Wales every year. On the last day of their Canadian visit that particular year, the Welsh players had been invited to a bonfire. The next morning as they waited at the school for the bus to the airport, my boyfriend asked me to go to one specific guy and say, “I had fun last night, how do I call you if I’m late?” The guy just stared at me, his jaw on the floor. I later found out it was common knowledge the player in question had been completely wasted the night before and didn’t remember anything. I also found out what ‘late’ could imply.
Yes – I asked a drug dealer for directions
I am directionally impaired, so asking for directions is second nature. I was out with some friends and we got turned around. Since there weren’t any guys in the car, we felt it appropriate to stop and ask for directions. I went into this run-down corner store. The clerk nodded to a guy standing next to the counter. “I think this is one of your customers.” I, of course, didn’t catch on, and proceeded to politely ask for directions. The nice man kindly gave me clear instructions and I went back out to my friends. He followed me out to my car and leaned in my open window to ask if anyone else needed ‘directions’ to which everyone answered no.
Yes – I agreed to perform a sexual act with a stranger
I was 17 and had a job at the hockey arena. Now, for small-town Canada the arena is the hub of the community. It was men’s hockey night. How I got stuck working men’s hockey night is still a mystery – probably because all the other women were smart enough to refuse the shifts. I was outside on a break, when a group of guys from the parking lot called out to me. Would I eat his red willy. Cross-my-heart I did not know what he was asking. I thought he was offering me beef jerky (no pun intended) or something so I nodded and started walking toward the group. My boss happened to walk out for a smoke break at that moment. He asked who I was talking to. I retold the conversation.
Boss: Say no.
Boss: I’m not going to be the one to explain this to you. I’m telling you to say no. You’re taking all your breaks in my office, and I’m walking you out to your car after your shift.
I wasn’t allowed to work men’s hockey night again (I wasn’t allowed to work broomball nights either – not sharing that story). I’ve always wondered why he reacted like that.
Yes – I publicly insulted a gang of neo-Nazis
I grew up in the country. I can count on two hands the number of times I’ve been to downtown Toronto and have fingers left over. Just not my scene. We’re at the Eaton Centre, the biggest mall in downtown Toronto, when I see a group of young men wearing dark jackets with their hair spiked in mohawks. The country girl in me responded before my brain did. You know those freakish moments when the noise level suddenly drops for no reason and you sound like you’re shouting? (That happens a lot to me) Well, this was one of those moments. I turned to the guy I was with and said, “If you’re going to shave your head, you might as well shave it all off. Otherwise it just looks stupid.”
That’s when the whole gang turned to stare at us. Then I noticed the matching swastika armbands they were wearing. Nice. I was dragged into the IT store for half an hour until they left.
Yes – I frequently hear things incorrectly
I went to university in Thunder Bay, Ontario – so… winter boots were a must. I was pulling the laces tight on my boots when the guy sitting next to me said, “Your boobs are too big.”
I slowly turned to stare at him. “Well, that’s not a very nice thing to say.”
He returned my blank stare. “You’re pulling the laces really tight is all I meant.”
“oooh – my BOOTS are too big.”
*blush* true story.
Like I said – never dull. Ever said something you wish you hadn’t? Have a funny story?
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