I Can’t Believe I Said That

*Smacks head* Did I just say that out loud? Ever have one of those moments? My life is a long string of embarrassing accidents and things I wish I could unsay. I was so gullible as a teen – it’s embarrassing.

Baby with watermelon

Dirty Dancing

You know that scene from Dirty Dancing when Baby carries a watermelon to the forbidden staff party and dances with Johnny for the first time? Johnny says, “What’s she doing here?” She replies, “I carried a watermelon.” *smacks head* “I carried a watermelon?” Yeah, Baby and I have a lot in common.

If you’ve read Biking in Panties or Ceiling Mirrors and Faux Fur, then you know I’m no stranger to embarrassment. Life with me is anything but boring. I remember at the age of 11 repeating a dirty joke at the dinner table and being sent to my room – and not knowing why. I didn’t ‘get’ the joke, I really thought it was about swallows (the bird).

On top of ridiculous bad luck, and being a klutz, I was very sheltered and innocent which left me a little gullible and very naive. I’m not slow, I did well in school, but I was too trusting. As a teen, I was forever playing catch-up on innuendos, double ententes, and hidden meanings just plain escaped me. Since I’m able to look back on many of these and laugh I thought I’d share some of my more stellar moments.

Yes – I asked a teacher during class what foreplay was.

I know. Still shaking my head. I had a French teacher who would sit down with us every Monday and recap the weekend. Someone shared that they’d hooked up at a bonfire (the country-kid equivalent of a kegger) and used the word foreplay. Not having understood the underlying context of the conversation, I put up my hand and asked for an explanation of foreplay. She didn’t answer my question.

Yes – I didn’t realize saying you’re late could refer to more than your punctuality

I was dating an older guy at the time who was fairly popular. I was fourteen and eager to please. Our school didn’t play football, it was too expensive – instead, we played rugby. We hosted a team from Wales every year. On the last day of their Canadian visit that particular year, the Welsh players had been invited to a bonfire. The next morning as they waited at the school for the bus to the airport, my boyfriend asked me to go to one specific guy and say, “I had fun last night, how do I call you if I’m late?”  The guy just stared at me, his jaw on the floor. I later found out it was common knowledge the player in question had been completely wasted the night before and didn’t remember anything. I also found out what ‘late’ could imply.

Yes – I asked a drug dealer for directions

I am directionally impaired, so asking for directions is second nature. I was out with some friends and we got turned around. Since there weren’t any guys in the car, we felt it appropriate to stop and ask for directions. I went into this run-down corner store. The clerk nodded to a guy standing next to the counter. “I think this is one of your customers.” I, of course, didn’t catch on, and proceeded to politely ask for directions. The nice man kindly gave me clear instructions and I went back out to my friends. He followed me out to my car and leaned in my open window to ask if anyone else needed ‘directions’ to which everyone answered no.

Yes – I agreed to perform a sexual act with a stranger

I was 17 and had a job at the hockey arena. Now, for small-town Canada the arena is the hub of the community. It was men’s hockey night. How I got stuck working men’s hockey night is still a mystery – probably because all the other women were smart enough to refuse the shifts. I was outside on a break, when a group of guys from the parking lot called out to me. Would I eat his red willy. Cross-my-heart I did not know what he was asking. I thought he was offering me beef jerky (no pun intended) or something so I nodded and started walking toward the group. My boss happened to walk out for a smoke break at that moment. He asked who I was talking to. I retold the conversation.

Boss: Say no.

Me: Why?

Boss: I’m not going to be the one to explain this to you. I’m telling you to say no. You’re taking all your breaks in my office, and I’m walking you out to your car after your shift.

I wasn’t allowed to work men’s hockey night again (I wasn’t allowed to work broomball nights either – not sharing that story). I’ve always wondered why he reacted like that.

Yes – I publicly insulted a gang of neo-Nazis

I grew up in the country. I can count on two hands the number of times I’ve been to downtown Toronto and have fingers left over. Just not my scene. We’re at the Eaton Centre, the biggest mall in downtown Toronto, when I see a group of young men wearing dark jackets with their hair spiked in mohawks. The country girl in me responded before my brain did. You know those freakish moments when the noise level suddenly drops for no reason and you sound like you’re shouting? (That happens a lot to me) Well, this was one of those moments. I turned to the guy I was with and said, “If you’re going to shave your head, you might as well shave it all off. Otherwise it just looks stupid.”

That’s when the whole gang turned to stare at us. Then I noticed the matching swastika armbands they were wearing. Nice. I was dragged into the IT store for half an hour until they left.

Yes – I frequently hear things incorrectly

I went to university in Thunder Bay, Ontario – so… winter boots were a must. I was pulling the laces tight on my boots when the guy sitting next to me said, “Your boobs are too big.”

I slowly turned to stare at him. “Well, that’s not a very nice thing to say.”

He returned my blank stare. “You’re pulling the laces really tight is all I meant.”

“oooh – my BOOTS are too big.”

*blush* true story.

Like I said – never dull. Ever said something you wish you hadn’t? Have a funny story?

Lisa

I’m on Twitter and G+, but I hang out on Facebook – would love to chat. :) If you’re a writer, I post great writing links everyday on my Facebook page. Consider signing up for the monthly newsletter I’m launching with my cowriter – Marcy Kennedy in April.

Comments

  1. says

    This post is awesome.

    I was naive about quite a few things, too, so I know if I thought for a while, I’d probably have some really similar stories to tell. If I think of them, I’ll have to share them with you. :)
    Amber recently posted…Tell Me a Story – Part One

  2. says

    Lisa, all of these stories just mean that you are a REAL person. I’m sure I have some similar stories…I went to Catholic school and was very sheltered until I started public school in the 7th grade. Even later, even today, I say things that are soooo BLONDE even though I like to think I’m not (I’m really strawberry blonde, not this dark red). I’d have to think for a particular *slaps head* moment, but reading this just made me feel like you’re “real”. That’s a compliment. :)
    Tiffany A White recently posted…Why It’s Worth a Watch Wednesday – A Little Nip Here, a Little Tuck There

    • says

      Thank you. I consider that a fabulous compliment. I can’t stand fakeness. Being real is what I’m striving for, so I’m glad this post came across that way.

  3. says

    I was also super naive. In the sixth grade (catholic school), I told my teacher that I was going to be a street walker for Halloween because I wanted to wear a dress and swing my purse around. I thought a street walker was a woman who dressed up and walked around looking pretty–and I definitely had never heard the term hooker. :)
    Coleen Patrick recently posted…Steal Like an Artist or Wait for the Idea Fairy?

  4. says

    You know those freakish moments when the noise level suddenly drops for no reason and you sound like you’re shouting? (That happens a lot to me)

    Thank you, this is my LIFE. Things sort of tumble out of my mouth, and in retrospect (like, 2 seconds after they’ve been uttered), I realize that they were a bit of a mistake. I was also pretty sheltered, the naive Catholic school kid (not the “racy” Catholic school kid), and my parents thought that there were lots of things that I shouldn’t know “till I was ready.” So… yeah, lots of crazy embarrassing moments have ensued since then. :P
    Lena Corazon recently posted…ROW80: We Are The Champions

    • says

      So glad I’m not alone. I felt like a bit of a freak that I was so out of touch all the time. Thanks for sharing. We (whatever our rare score was on that personality test) need to stick together :P

  5. says

    Sorry, Lisa, I know some of those might have been painful to you, but I laughed at your post. I didn’t grow up sheltered, but I’ve had a few awkward moments saying the wrong things at the wrong times. I still kick myself when I remember them.
    Fabio Bueno recently posted…ROW80 Round 1 Final Update Extravaganza

    • says

      Louise, Fabio – glad I could make you laugh. Some of them are pretty funny. I should do a post of all my accidents. lol That’s a riot :P

  6. says

    Although difficult at the time, they make for a fun post now. I was terribly naive as well. I can’t think of anything as fun to tell, but then my brain feels like it’s in a bog half the time. Kids. LOL Maybe if I think hard enough I’m sure those nights working at the bar would turn up some good ones. Thanks for sharing, Lisa. :) I know it’s hard putting yourself out there.
    Debra Kristi recently posted…Elves, Fae and Flash Fiction Make For This Immortal Monday

  7. says

    Funny stories! The only really bad thing I remember saying was when a kid had asked about homosexuality in health class and I repeated his question at home. I wasn’t sheltered, but I didn’t know the rude slang, so I asked my parents what the word meant (it’s a three letter word that starts with f) while one of their friends was over for dinner. Yes, the friend was gay, and yes, I asked the question in front of him. I wasn’t actually embarassed, though, because once they explained the word to me, I never used it again.
    Emma Burcart recently posted…Be Yourself

    • says

      Health class – oh my. Do not get me started on health class. They actually made us put a condom on a banana and mine flung across the room. They’re surprisingly elastic. Thanks for sharing.

  8. says

    Happens to me ALL THE TIME, Lisa! Not the sheltered part – I did not grow up sheltered at all and I think you’re lucky you did. :-)

    But those moments when I think, “OMG, did I say that OUT LOUD.”

    All the freaking time…
    Jenny Hansen recently posted…Zen and the Art of #Pregnancy

  9. says

    LOL! Lisa, you could seriously be describing my life. I was incredibly naive, too…until I got married and was around my husband’s friends all the time. I embarrassed myself on more than one occasion with my lack of understanding. Also this – “You know those freakish moments when the noise level suddenly drops for no reason and you sound like you’re shouting?” – Oh. My. God. This happens to me ALL the time! What is that?!?!?! I really enjoyed this post.
    Jessica O’Neal recently posted…‘The Hunger Games’ Archery Lesson Part 3

  10. says

    I’ve two, one of my own and one of a friend.
    Few years ago I was in Vegas and me and my friend walked by a guy who asked “are you interested”. I’m half deaf, and have had issues with drugs in the past. My friend could hear very well, knew about my prior experience, and was very anti drug. We spent about five minutes with me asking the guy what he said, my friend trying to nonchalantly get us moving, and the guy trying to sell us drugs without boing to overt.

    When working at a porn store you can’t exactly accept merchandise back after it’s left the store…so there is a policy, when someone buys an electronic device, that the clerk asks the customer if they would like the device to be taken out of the package, batteries put in it, and the device turned on to prove it works. Well, a very attractive female friend of mine was working at the local porn store, and a guy comes in and picks up a device and lays it on the counter. “Do you want me to test this out?” She asks. “Right here right now, you’ll test it out?” He says, amazed at his good fortune. “yep” She replies…with no idea.

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